So I'm going to share a little of what I've been going through the past couple of months. I've been learning a lot about myself (as one often does when one's roommate leaves for over a month and one finds herself living alone for the first time ever) and I have to say, I LOVE having me time anytime I want to. Living by myself gives me the option of always having solo time, but always having the option to call friends up to hang out also. The possibilities are endless! I will admit, I spent the first few days with zero clothes on. If you have never cleaned your apt/house/mansion/wigwam naked, I highly recommend it. Unless you live in an igloo, in which case that may not be much fun (and you could potentially get stuck to the ice furniture...ouch!).
So all of this "me" time has given me a chance to figure some stuff out about myself. One of the more recent things that my temporary roommate (she moved in for a few weeks while my roommate was gone) and I have been discussing a lot is friendship. We have been struggling over how to be a good friend, because I think everyone views being a "good friend" differently. Some might think having drinks on a Saturday night and discussing boys is considered being a good friend, while others might not feel they have fulfilled their friendly duties unless they have had a solid, deep conversation about life and goals and love. My friend Ashley, who has been staying with me, is the latter type of friend. We spent several days together, working and hanging with other friends, but she said she felt like we hadn't even seen each other because we hadn't had any good one-on-one conversations. She's a deep person; she likes to get to know people deep down. I can be that way to an extent, but I also feel like I've had some solid hanging out time with everyone in a big group of people if we all just go bowling or something. I love having one-on-one time with friends, but I don't find it completely necessary to obtain a solid friendship with someone.
The main thing that Ashley and I have discussed is this: How far is too far when it comes to being a good friend? For both Ashley and myself, we feel like being a good friend is helping a friend realize when they are being untrue to themselves, or even if they're just making a fool out of themselves. Ashley and I both recently went through a situation where we "called out" friends that, er, didn't want to be called out. For me personally, I want people to tell me when I'm straying from my character. I want to be told when I'm not showing integrity, or when I look like an idiot. That's a true friend, in my opinion, because it shows that they care enough to tell me things about myself even though I might get mad. Something I have to remember, however, is that not everyone views friendship this way. There are people who get hurt, frustrated, or even pissed, no matter how gently I try and say something to them.
This has caused me to be a much more cautious friend. A year ago, I would have just called everyone out, but now I think about it before I do it. I try and be careful about how I say things, but of course I still mess up. I'm not perfect by any means, and me calling people out is NOT saying that I don't do the same things or act the same way. Not by a long shot. It is, however, me saying hey, I love you, and I see you actin a fool, and I want to let you know because I'm your friend and I don't think anyone else cares enough to tell you.
I dont know. Maybe we shouldn't call each other out, maybe we should, maybe its our duty as friends? I'm still struggling with this a lot.
So, if you have a friend who has you concerned with their behavior, I have a few simple rules/questions to consider before you say something to them.
1)Ask yourself, is this something that I would want them to call me out for, if I was doing it?
2)Is this something that is detrimental to them, or will make them be angry with themselves later for doing this/acting this way?
3) How close of friends are we? Do I truly feel close enough to them to say something, and have it come from a place of love?
4) Is this something that is just irritating me? Could it be bothering me because I see myself in the way they're behaving?
5) Am I willing to risk them being angry with me, potentially for a long period of time, over this situation?
Anyway, if you've considered all the options and still feel like something needs to be said, it is probably time to take your friend out to coffee and explain to them why you feel like their behavior needs to cease.
Just a little food for thought. Have a great Monday!!
